My recent epiphany about life..very lengthy

July 14



my recent epiphany about life....very lengthy

WARNING: long but very heartfelt...

So I's was talking to Emms last night khehe. I shouldnt talk with her so late at night because she gets me way too excited about school starting again. What a bad influence she is! My mind wouldnt stop racing for a long time after i stopped talking with her, i was up till 3 o clock before i finally fell asleep. Thats how friggin excited i am for school. And its only mid july! what the hell!
lol but it is nice to finally be excited for an extended period of time. This year it seems that the moment i finally get a glimpse of happiness it is yanked away from me just as quick, but i have been thinking a lot about life lately and i had realised that life is what you make of it.
As much as i didnt want to hear it then its true. I think about all the time I was mopey and sad and then the days where i just got fed up and stopped feeling sorry for myself, and on those days where i just gave up was when i felt most content. When i wasnt torchuring myself on how fat i have gotten and why i couldnt just put the goddamn fork down, when i wasnt torchuring myself on all the things i should be doing and all the things i was doing wrong, and when i finally looked into the mirror and decided no amount of plastic surgery will ever change me into the person i want to be (because all that is on the inside of course ), i was actually happy with myself when i didnt think about stuff like that. I just realised that no matter if i am skinny or fat, ugly or pretty, wear regular shoes or heels to try to make my midgetness less apparent, i will always be the same on the inside. And not only that but no matter what, life will go on around me the same way it has been this whole time i have been worrying about it. Here i am in a rush to lose all the weight i gained this past year when i realised that the reason why i gained it is because i am lazy and do nothing at all except work 2 times a week for 4 hours. Once school starts up again i will become more busier have more to do and most likely i will lose some weight anyway. Besides I wont have the time to obsess about weight issues or if i am pretty enough or not, I have a really important goal to work towards, my future. No matter what happens to me now, if i concentrate and try looking to improve more of the skills i have on the inside, not just school related, I will become a happier person. I have had an epiphany about the external self and how when they say your body is your instrument its true. The body is not the self, it may be what everyone else sees first most of the time but i know, and i am sure anyone who actually take the time to read this knows that when you look into the mirror and see yourself, the face and body is not the first thing you really see. of course if you were like me and were going through the who am i stage? then you may blind yourself. Not to say i am out of the woods yet, i have a lot to learn about myself and there are still times when i look into the mirror and am like ugh but then i remember that i cant just snap my fingers and be skinny it is something worked on. And that i will have to walk around looking like this, which i have been doing for most of this year anyway, so why torture myself with downtalk when i can only take things day by day? and if i mess up one day, well there is always tomorrow.
If i die tomorrow i am sure they wont talk about how i gained such and such pounds over the past year at my funeral( Bringing another random thought of why waste time on external issues? I want people to be able to have nice things to say about me at my funeral, and i have done so much wrong because of my unhappiness with myself that i forgot about all the good that could come from the inside...) And like i said i am still me no matter what so thats when i began to start telling myself. Who cares what i look like? I have a bright future ahead of me if i put my mind (my most important instrument) to it. Why concentrate on now when now goes by so quick that you cant even grasp it before it slips by. Take things day by day, and put your time to more useful things like...this is going to sound so dumb to some ppl..but learning. I actually enjoy learning things now. Because the more you know the more you can relate to people and carry on proper conversations and the more you can help other people. The more you know the better you are at dealing with whatever life throws at you.
I used to hate school but now i like it. This is stuff that i am going to be using throughout my entire career, so why not enjoy learning it? Ahh that is a seperate epiphany i had from the one i am talking about so i wont go into that.That is something that people have to learn on their own. I know that i never used to see the point of it until i realised that life is all about learning, if you want to reach higher levels you just gotta work hard. whether you are learning through life experiences, school, religion, whatever, the more you know about the world the easier things are. So why not soak up as much information as you can and have fun doing it? anywaz back on my other topic....

no matter where you are, what you look like, you are you. It is what you say and how you act out your thoughts that show a person who you are. If theres anything most important to work on changing it is how you react to life and people, it is really whats on the inside. And you have more important things to worry about than any judgemental people that come into your life trying to make you feel bad and deter you from your goals and happiness. You can be happy with yourself, and you can also make other people happy as well. I am starting to come to the conclusion ( and am in the process of working on all of this myself) that l can be happy and it is really simple. I hear of all these stories of ppl going through worse things than me and have way worse things than me happen all the time and they are still going on strong and living happy fullfilled lives. And it is because they refuse to let what troubles life brings to get to them. You have to be strong in this life, and in order for you to be truly happy you have to be happy with youself first. And then not only will i be happy but i can pass on that happiness to other people that are in need of a little guidance. And that is fun for me because i like helping people. Hence why i wanted to work at the helpdesk at all :P

I have just come back from a quick break so now i have so much more random thoughts to bring in to the picture.

And i was thinking about this past year and of how unhappy i was (and i realise now it was not because there was anything significantly wrong with my life in general but more of me not being happy with my body and myself etc..) and all the rage fits and crying fits i had not only by myself but in public (which is not like me at all). Wow i cannot believe what kind of person i made myself into this past year just because i couldnt find happiness within myself.
I started getting mad at god and actually went through a totally non believing stage. I have had so many conversations with tameem about gods existence and how i thought god could not be all loving as they say he is or he would do something to help out the world. And how there is no proof that he exists because we never see it and i at that point couldnt think of any point in time where he had answered any one of my prayers. So then i started thinking about when i was a teenager and how sometimes there would be things i would really truly want and i would beg and plead and pray my heart out that he would hear me and help me...and i thought he never did. But now when i think back i realise that no, he didnt answer my prayers. At least not right away. But he did eventually. All the things i ever really wanted he brought opportunities to me and saved me and brought me happiness. The thing was that he is so smart he brings them in subtly so that it does not affect the turn of our lives and our fate. And sometimes those things that i had wanted so much before and forgotten about he still gave me. Even though it seemed like a lot of time passed by before he got to my prayers he did get to them and he did hear me, sometimes i may have been to frustrated with other stuff going around me that i didnt notice or appreciate when he got around to it, but yes i can say of times where i have gotten what i wanted.
Lol that sounds so funny. When i was a teenager i used to pray that i would be skinny (bringing up this topic again). What i didnt no was that at 107pds i was pretty skinny already, and so never having been chubby before i didnt actually know what it was like. And i think that is why i am in the situation i am in now. Having gained a lot i now realise what i had and when i do get skinny again i will know that yes at this weight even though i still may not be satisfied i know from the hard experience i went through that i am, and i appreciate this opportunity that has been given to me to learn from.
Also this year i have learned what it is like to actually truly feel unhealthy. I never appreciated my health before this year. Living in a run down leaky moldy apt, And then i started up with some bad habits other than overeating and started to become lazy and then if that wasnt enough torture on my body i started having seizures and have recently been diagnosed with juvenile myoclonic epilepsy (to add to my chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia i have had since high school), so lets just say right now i am definetely not at my most healthy. But i am making the necessary changes. By moving back into a rule regulated apartment building (AKA res) I am forcing myself away from the easy access of a lot of my bad habits. Hopefully this is the first step in becoming body healthy. and on a rambling note body healthy does not necessarily mean skinny girls, it means when you feel at your best and you are doing what you can to eat right exercise, use your brains on a regular basis etc. And you do at some point have to go thru the chubby stage to realise what "your best" feels like.
Its like God helps us out subtly, and even though he does make life hard on us, there are a lot of lessons to be learned in order to appreciate what we have been given.

Afterall, You cant truly be appreciative of things when you dont know what it is like to be without them.

And to all of my friends and family out there. This past year has been a very difficult one for me. I know i didnt give any of you and especially those closest to me,even half the attention, love and respect that you all deserve. And for that I am very sorry. I will not make any promises to be a better friend or person because words can be empty and promises broken. Instead i can only anxiously await the times when i meet up with all of you again, whether it be today or tomorrow, 2 monthes from now, 2 years from now..to show you all just how much i appreciate and care for you.

Love Rachel